A Heart Perfecting
Perfectionism or Perfection?
I have perfectionistic tendencies. You’d think this means I am perfectly organized, never make mistakes, and think through everything with precision. Ha. No… I have tendencies to hold myself to unrealistic expectations which I have deemed “perfect” and then I will either be exceedingly proud of my accomplishment in the rare cases I succeed or feel deep shame when I fall short regardless of the other successes.
When I heard “Christian Perfection” or that as Methodists we believe we are “going onto perfection,” I used to think the above is what that meant. I thought it meant God wanted me to hold myself to unrealistic standards based on behavior and performance. Sure, God always loves me, but I thought God wanted me to check off the right boxes to be pleased with me. Boy was I wrong!
What follows is my whirlwind story of a divine calling to pastoral ministry. This journey taught me that God doesn’t want all the right boxes checked, He wants my whole heart in surrender. Through my story of learning holiness and surrender, I hope you see how the Holy Spirit is perfecting the innermost parts of my heart, mind, and affections towards God. I hope you can see how you might experience this transformation as well.
Call to Pastoral Ministry
I knew I was called to Christian ministry from a young age, but I never expected to end up in a pulpit. While in seminary from 2015-2020 I researched other avenues of Christian ministry while serving in churches along the way. I had been happily serving in a church for five years when a special Easter Sunday arrived. April 17, 2022 was my five month old daughter’s first Easter. As many other families did that day, we went up to the front of the church to pose in front of the beautifully decorated altar. I expected it to be a special moment, but I did not expect God to give me something like a vision as I turned and faced the congregational seating area. I became suddenly overwhelmed with flashes of memories which seemed to be every moment of ministry I had ever experienced in this place. In an emotional and divine moment I felt a sense of, “This is what you are meant to do. You are meant to be a pastor.”
We took our picture, and I nearly stumbled back towards the booth where I ran the livestream. Despite the clarity of the moment, I was perplexed at what I had seen. I did my best to run the livestream as I pondered what this moment could mean. Fumbling, I found the words over lunch to tell my husband about this divine moment, and that week I began discerning the call to pastoral ministry.
I was a member at a United Methodist Church, so I spoke to my senior minister about this pastoral call. He gave me helpful guidance and showed me the next steps. As I began to walk the candidacy process, the Global Methodist Church launched in May 2022. Two paths were ahead of me: stay in the United Methodist Church or join the brand new Global Methodist Church. As a lifelong United Methodist, I wrestled deeply with this decision.
During this time, I had the opportunity to return home to Georgia to participate in my childhood church’s Campmeeting in June 2022. During one of the sermons, I felt God begin to tell me it’s time to move. I wasn’t sure what He meant. We lived very happily in Texas for seven years. Surely God did not want us to leave our home. But I kept getting this sense of “move.” In the same thought as I said, “I’ll go where you call me,” I also resisted the call of the Spirit to “move.” But I couldn’t shake it. Move. Move. Move. And then, “Go to the altar.” With a degree of shame I confess I often hesitate to go the altar. I don’t like attention when I’m having a moment. I did not want to go to the altar. I wanted to pray in my seat. Instead, God is saying “move.” I resisted. God said, “If you won’t go to the altar, where will you go for me?” The conviction struck me to the heart, and I surrendered. I walked to the altar. At the altar, God called me to leave Texas and return to my home state of Georgia.
Once again I approached my husband. I was anxious to tell him about this call to move. We had wrestled in previous years about returning to Georgia but decided to stay put in Texas. So when I said, “I think God is calling us to move back to Georgia,” I didn’t expect him to say, “Yeah, I think so too.” But that’s exactly what he said.
With no specific ideas of where in Georgia we would go, I began the process of searching for a ministry job throughout the state. Much to my glee and surprise, I was invited to interview at a church in my college town. In July I interviewed and accepted a job, in August we moved to Georgia, and in September I began my new job.
Let’s recap the timeline so far:
April 2022: Leah is called to pastoral ministry with something like a vision on Easter Sunday.
May 2022: Leah is torn between the United Methodist Church and the newly birthed Global Methodist Church.
June 2022: God calls Leah and family to move back to Georgia.
July 2022: Leah gets hired at a church in her college town.
August 2022: Leah and her family move back to Georgia from Texas.
September 2022: Leah starts her new job.
In a matter of six months I received a call to pastoral ministry, and then up and moved across the country. “If you won’t go to the altar for me, where will you go?” I didn't realize it at the time, but God was beginning to teach me holiness. I had to surrender to His will and plan and let go of my fears.
God continued to move in ways I didn’t expect. I loved the youth I served at that church, and I loved their families. I loved the staff I served with. But my entire year on staff, which was far shorter than I had ever hoped, there was an undercurrent of stress. Will the church disaffiliate from the United Methodist Church? And if so, will it reaffiliate with the Global Methodist Church, remain independent, or choose another affiliation? By this point I felt certain God was calling me to the Global Methodist Church, so only one of those options was an “easy” one for me. This season was incredibly challenging for all of the church leaders and members.
The day of the vote came, and the disaffiliation vote lost by 13 votes. Many of us were devastated. “What now?” I wondered. “I followed you, and then you allowed this? What is your plan here?” I could not see how good could come from this decision. Ultimately, due to my growing connection with the Global Methodist Church, I chose to resign my position shortly after the vote.
“I went where you called, God. What are you doing?” I wondered. I was blind to what was happening around me, but God never is. God knew what was happening, and God knew the plan. Through this painful journey, God walked me through another step of surrender to teach me about holiness. I struggled; I questioned and doubted daily. Yet I began to surrender those doubt to God, and God began to exchange my doubts for faith. Though the pain of the split was immense in my own heart, I now see God needed me to take a break and be molded like clay. I needed to heal, repent, trust, and learn to surrender. I needed an intensive in what it means to be holy before I was ready to be ordained and lead His people.
Christian Perfection
The Global Methodist Church required several classes which I lacked for ordination. I am deeply grateful for each of these classes and the way God used them to shape my heart. Through these classes I learned about genuine worship, about Methodist history starting with John Wesley, and I learned about God’s call on His people to holiness.
I had a loose understanding of God’s holiness and what that means for His followers. I didn’t realize the depth and the beauty to be found in participating in God's call for holiness. God has been teaching me about surrender since I said “yes” to His call to pastoral ministry. What I learned since then is surrender is part of holiness.
I learned God’s holiness is self-giving love. God’s holiness moved a sinless God towards sinful humanity. God did not want humanity to be separate from Him, so He continued to pursue us. God’s holiness led Jesus to die on the cross for us in the ultimate move of self-giving love. In Jesus’ death all those who believe also die to our sinful nature. In Jesus’ resurrection all those who believe are freed to live a life of holiness. God’s love moved towards sinful humanity, and He gave us the grace to move towards Him in return. Holiness is a dance of self-giving love within the Godhead, between God and humanity, and between God’s followers and humanity.
When done properly this dance is beautiful. Within the Godhead, this dance is always done perfectly. The Father loves the Son and the Spirit, the Son loves the Father and the Spirit, and the Spirit loves the Son and Father. God paints the perfect picture of self-giving love. Similarly, God always moves towards humanity with perfect, compassionate love. Often the response of humanity is sloppy. Sometimes we reject God making the dance incomplete. Other times, in God’s grace, we accept the dance stumbling along as we learn the moves of self-giving love. The dance between humanity is messy but can be beautiful when following the pattern of God.
The dance of self-giving love is more than learning the right way to move. It’s more than behavioral change. It’s more than perfectionism. It’s a deep understanding of the dance, our part within it, and God’s part. It’s something that penetrates our innermost being and changes how we move and operate within the world. This is holiness.
Christian Perfection, to continue the metaphor, is when the dance entirely changes your innermost being to the point that everything you do, say, think, and desire is shaped and impacted by it. Christian Perfection is when God has entirely changed your heart, mind, and affections so you desire the things of God over worldly things. The result of the transformation is a desire for God and a lack of desire to sin.
Do you see the difference between Perfectionism and Christian Perfection? Perfectionism focuses on performance and correct behaviors. Christian Perfection focuses on an entirely transformed heart, mind, and affections towards God. The result of Christian Perfection is certainly visible behavioral changes, but the goal is relationship with God that creates total transformation.
A Heart Perfecting
In this time God taught me to surrender, to go when He says “go,” and to pursue holiness. On May 4, 2024 (may the fourth be with you) I was ordained a deacon in the Global Methodist Church. God is continually transforming me, and in that moment, I knew that I was within His will and my heart was entirely wrapped up in Him. That’s not to say I’ve reached Christian Perfection, but for the first time in a long time I felt assured I am within His will and I was entirely content.
He has begun to change my heart, mind, and affections towards Him to the point I am excited for God to move where He calls in love instead of resistant to it. Don’t get me wrong: following God is terrifying. You’ll see that in just about any story in the Bible. But I know I am in a dance of holiness with One who loves me entirely, and I am eager to be continually transformed and teach others how to have this kind of relationship with God as well.
I decided to title this new blog “A Heart Perfecting” as a reflection of my personal desire for total transformation. I desire for God to work in me daily to transform my heart, mind, and affections so the Spirit may teach me the dance of love He would have for me with Himself and those around me. “A Heart Perfecting” reflects the ongoing change of this process. I anticipate I will spend most of my life being continually perfected in God’s holy love every day, but I believe in His grace it is possible to reach Christian Perfection. I hope you will join me in this journey. Together we’ll learn more about holiness, the means of grace, and what self-giving love looks like within and outside the walls of the church, just to name a few topics God has already placed on my heart.
I hope my journey of a heart perfecting will inspire you and encourage you along the way too.